in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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