hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
