Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
