My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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