I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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