he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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