Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
