i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize