I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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