The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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