That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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