Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
