I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
