God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
