I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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