he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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