New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
