No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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