tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
