Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
