i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize