somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
