nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
