the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
