This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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