I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
false alarm. still invincible.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
