made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
