you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
