my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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