Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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