I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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