she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
