Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
