Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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