Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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