I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
