shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
