the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
