just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you would pick up someone in the library
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
