matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
