Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
