Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Randomize
