How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
