Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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