this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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