Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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