she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
