There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
