You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
