literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
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