I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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