I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Floor bacon is actually really good
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
