i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
