Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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