If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
one might say we're banned from that church
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
