Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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