Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
