He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You need a sexual gate keeper
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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