I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
